Jan
13
Chuck Norris is a badass…
January 13, 2006 |
• Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
• Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
• In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
• Crop circles are Chuck Norris’ way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
• Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
• The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
• Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
• There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
• When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
• Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
• Chuck Norris originally appeared in the “Street Fighter II” video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this “glitch,” Norris replied, “That’s no glitch.”
• The opening scene of the movie “Saving Private Ryan” is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
• Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
• Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth’s atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
• Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
• Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren’t the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
• Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
• Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
• Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle — you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
• If you say Chuck Norris’ name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
• Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
• The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
• In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
• When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
• There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
• Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
• Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
• There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
• A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
• Chuck Norris’s urine was the main ingredient for balco’s designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
• Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
• Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
• Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can’t get up the courage to tell him.
• In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald’s in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be “Norrisized”.
• The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
• While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
• Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
• Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”
• Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face.
• The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one
• When you’re Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
• Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football– in that order.
• One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
• Chuck Norris was with a good friend when he was suddenly attacked by a ninja. He easily defeated him by throwing him out the window. His friend commented by humorously saying, “Looks like that guy got ‘chucked’ out the window!” Chuck Norris was confused at the mention of his name, and roundhouse kicked his friend through a wall.
• A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
• Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
• A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris’ shoe. Chuck replied, “Don’t you know who I am? I’m Chuck Norris!” The mere mention of his name cured this man’s blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
• Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.
• Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
• When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
• When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: “What is Courage?” Chuck Norris received an “A+” for writing only the words “Chuck Norris” and promptly turning in the paper.
• The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’s fist.
• Whenever Chuck Norris’s wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.
• Chuck Norris’ tears would cure cancer. Too bad he’s never cried.
• When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
• MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
• If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, “Two seconds till.” After you ask, “Two seconds to what?” he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
• Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
• Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
• Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
• Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
• Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the Chuck giveth, and the Chuck, he taketh away.
• Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
• Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
• There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.
• Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
• Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard”. Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
• Chuck Norris’s girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, “HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!” and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend’s bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, “Don’t @..@with Chuck!” Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
• Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
• To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
• Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, for his pleasure.
• Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
• There are no disabled people, only people who have met Chuck Norris.
• The original theme song to the Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris–more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris–robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
• The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
• It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
• Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse…horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
• Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.
• Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
• Chuck Norris’ penis is so large that it actually warps the fabric of space-time. Indeed some physicists now theorise that the passage of time is mearly a byproduct of Norris’ colossal erections. This is known as the “Chuck Norris’ big cock theory of space-time”.
• Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
• Back in ‘84, if Chuck Norris had been the cop behind the counter at the police-station, the Terminator would have never come back.
• Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
• As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.
• Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
• Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
• If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the fuck down.
• Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.
• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
• According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
• Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
• Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
Comments
6 Comments so far
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I get pretty bored with the internet sometimes, i’m not into porn. But your blog is an excellent replacement. God bless you Nate, and God bless Chuck Norris, or should i say Chuck Norris bless Chuck Norris.
You’re the second coolest person I know Wood, second only to Mr. Norris. It looks like our Hawks squeeked one out tonight. I guess if you’re going to foul someone( or at least get called for fouling someone) it should be somebody shooting 17% from the stripe.
Westre,
You have way too much time on your hands. You need to get some real Stuart issue on this website. “F—— Chuck Norris. I should’ve won.”
What real Stuart issue would you like to see on here?
Westre,
On second glance at your blog on Chuck Norris, I apologize for my comment. It is hilariously funny. However, I do not appreciate the tone of your response. Do it again, and I will rain down power halves on your neck leaving you sore for weeks.
I believe that Chuck Norris is a God! & I am proud to be one of his nuns!!!