This isn’t a recap of the last week (or week and a half as it now may be). It’s actually a recap of some friends’ journey to Stuart over the weekend. It’s reprinted completely without permission or authorization or any other kind of allowance. It was written by a girl named Sam Palmer. She’s pretty much insane but she makes me laugh.

Certain names have been changed to protect the semi-innocent. The profanity remains unchanged.

So, once upon a time, Aaron’s band was playing at Nate’s bar and Sam, Jeromy, Sara and Bradley decided they would go and make Iowa their bitch.

Jeromy picked Sam up first, but Sam had gotten a text message from Sara asking for her to stall him but Sam could think of only one thing that would really stall Jeromy, and, as much as she loves and adores Sara, she wasn’t willing to do that, so she just said, “Jeromy, I need to stall you for roughly 20 minutes.”

Sara was hosting her niece’s first birthday party, and when Jeromy and Sam got over there, there were still a lot of cars in the drive, so they thought they would make a secret entrance through the basement, but surprise! That’s where the party was at.

Finally, though, they left - Jeromy didn’t consult with Sara and Sam first and headed towards Nebraska, but that was quickly corrected, and thus began the 19 hour long drive to Iowa.

They stopped in Bethany to eat at McDonald’s, where Sam got a Furreal Friend in her Happy Meal.  It was a bear with one of the most fucked-up faces any of them had ever seen on a toy.  Sara said it had a Craig Morgan face.  Now, Craig Morgan is a cute man, but he does not make a cute teddy bear.  Jeromy said it creeped him out. Sam carefully filed that information away - she has very few weapons, and it pleased her to know that she had just gotten a new one, as a complete bonus with her chicken nuggets. She already had another McDonald’s toy in the truck, a small black doll, that creeped him out, too, so she was pretty much set.

So, back on the road for another 32 hours. They were impressed with how cold it was, really - it was a balmy 19 degrees in Missouri, and then, as soon as they crossed into Iowa, it immediately dropped to -8.  Bradley stuck his finger out the window for a very long time - we don’t know why.  When he finally pulled it back in, it was frozen.  Literally.  The goddamned thing was hard, which was fairly impressive.

Then they finally got to Stuart, and they had to decide on a motel.  They had two choices, and they chose the wrong one.  It was a Super 8 Motel.  When Sam and Sara got out of the truck, they were immediately assaulted by a horrible smell.  One might almost describe it as sewer-like, but that doesn’t quite capture it. Sam panicked, because she thought it was the motel that was making that smell, but it wasn’t, so she asked the desk clerk, “What’s that smell?” and the desk clerk was like, “What smell?” which was all Sam needed to know.  It was Iowa itself that smelled that way.  Bradley said it was probably a chicken plant, and, as it turns out, he was right.

The room was tiny, the bathtub miniature - seriously, it was like 3 inches deep but it was only used by Sara, and she used it only to knock the mud off of her boots.  Everyone cleaned up - Sara already looked super-hot (I’m seriously in love with her new hair) like she always does, and she approved of Sam’s green-and-yellow outfit that Shanna had helped her pick out, and so then they went to Nate’s bar in downtown metropolitan Stuart (not to be confused with the rural Stuart).

The smell was even worse.  Sam literally gagged so hard that she had to stop walking, because she was 99.4% certain she was about to throw up.  Nate confirmed that it was, indeed, a chicken plant that made the town smell that way. Sam made a note to herself to never go there in the summer.

Nate’s bar was nice, but that didn’t surprise Sam.  Jeromy had already been there a couple of times and said that it was, and he must be doing well, because it was pretty much packed.  Elli and her parents were there, and Sam was happy to see them, and everyone was very, very thirsty, so they began to drink.  They continued this for the majority of the night, actually.

Sara and Sam noted that it did, indeed, seem like everyone was staring at them, and it does seem like Iowa boys are a bit more forward.  One was loooking at Sara, and she met his eye in a non-encouraging manner, and he didn’t stop looking.  But, after a few drinks, they no longer really cared.  In fact, Sam began to enjoy the looks because, much to her excitement, she found, right off the bat, about 178 prospective husbands. She pointed them out to Jeromy, who was excited for her.  “Oh God, oh God,” she said, in an agony of indecision.  She thought about maybe asking Jeromy if they could extend their stay so that she could sample the local wares.  “So many mullets, so little time,” she said to Jeromy mournfully, and he agreed.

But then she saw him.  He was dressed in green and yellow, just like Sam, so it was pretty much like fate, really.  He had long, luxurious curls that somehgow seemed both dry and oily cascading out from underneath his greasy cap, and wore large, square, plastic tortoise-shell glasses circa 1978 and Sam loved him.  He had actually given her The Look several times, once actually turning around to do it, which sent Sam and Sara into paroxysms of delight (some might have mistaken their laughter to be derisive, but it wasn’t - oh, no).

Finally, he approached her.  “I’m Jones,” he said.  “I think you’re awfully pretty.”

“Hi, Jones. I’m Sam,” Sam said, for want of anything better to say - she was too nervous and awestruck to come up with anything else.

But it was not meant to be, apparently, because the next thing she knew she was dancing to Aaron’s music with her friends, and Jones was nowhere in sight…but, all good things come to those who wait, and what came next was a large hunchback named Alan, and Sam knew then that what she had felt for Jones was nothing more than fleeting lust…this was love.

Normally, Sam would turn to her Homo for help - after all, she has helped him countless times.  But, as this was Nate’s territory, she turned to him.  “I want that one,” she said.  “Go get him for me, please.”

“Alan?” Nate asked, and Sam decided to ignore the note of surprise in his voice.

“Yes.  I’d like to touch his penis,” Sam said - she is never one to mince words, really, and she felt that her desire was already pretty obvious.

“Well, you’d be the first in a long time,” Nate said.

“Probably since he’s been circumcised?” Sam asked.

“You know, I don’t know if he is circumcised,” Nate replied, and Sam said, “For twenty dollars I’ll find out for you,” but he didn’t take her up on it, and that was okay, I guess - the motel room was already pretty crowded without adding a hunchback (size XXL) into the mix.

Sam and Sara and Elli did some shots, and then Sara and Sam did some shots, and in between the shots they continued to drink like the professionals they were, and generally proceeded in making Iowa their bitch, which had been the plan from the get-go.  And they didn’t even have to be very extreme to do it - Iowa pretty much conceded victory the moment the 4 of them crossed the state line.

Sam found her bear, and it was doing some sweet moves for and on Jeromy, like chicka-chicka yeeaaah boyyyy, but he was grumpy and took it away.  (It would be offered back to her later that evening, but I’ll get to that in a minute.) And then Jeromy went and made an ass out of himself by doing this sweet stumble move, like he was going to fall, but he caught himself on a barstool.  However, Sam didn’t want him to be embarassed, and, as his best friend and all-’round wing girl, sacrificed her body in her own sweet move by falling over backwards and landing on her butt so hard that it still hurts right now. Alcohol had nothing to do with it (and that’s probably a fairly accurate statement, really - Sam doesn’t need any encouragement to fall) - it was all about helping her homo out. I hope he at least thanked her for it, but I don’t remember.

In a surprising twist, Sara was hungry, so they got some pizza and Sam burned her mouth and Bradley was displaying his sweet dance moves  and then it was time to go back to the motel, but they dropped Elli off first (I already apologized for my rudeness), and they had almost made it back, safe and sound, but they stopped at a gas station, and then, as they were pulling out, Jeromy did a sweet donut move in the parking lot, and that’s when they spotted a police car lurking in the parking lot across the street, so they hastily parked the truck again, and Jeromy went in to get coffee, and there they sat and waited, because the cop across the street was also sitting and waiting, and they had just decided that they should probably go ahead and walk when the cop finally left.

So, back in the motel room, Sam was peeing and she knew something was going on out there, because she could hear Sara cracking up, but she still wasn’t expecting what happened to happen.

She opened the door, and there were Bradley and Jeromy, pants down, mooning her.  Sam, like any other girl in that situation, immediately screamed and looked at the ceiling.  Jeromy pulled his pants up, but Bradley didn’t.  He kept hopping around saying something, and finally it dawned on Sam that she had her sweet Furreal Friend the bear stuck in his asshole.

“Oh, goddamn it!” Sam cried. “Goddamn it, goddamn it!”

“Do you want it back now?” Bradley asked, but she declined.

So, finally they all went to sleep and Sam stayed in bed til a reasonable hour - I think Brad woke up first, actually. It was like 94 degrees in the motel room and instead of being like, “Hey, Homo, good job on staying asleep for so long,” Jeromy was like, “Goddamn it, quit moving!” (Sam is, by the way, the one of the few members of an elite club whose members are able to sleep in the same bed as Jeromy Darr and not only keep her panties on but want to keep them on.) Probably he meant to congratulate her on her restraining her impulse to wake him when it was still gray outside, but instead watched cartoons until she fell back asleep, which was generous of her but probably had more to do with the fact that they were sharing a room with Sara and Bradley, who may not have been quite as patient as her Homo is with that.

Anyhow, Sara and Bradley went to partake of the continental breakfast, which, considering the merit of the motel was probably delicious, and Sam went to go get dressed and then she saw that Bradley had not thrown the bear away, but had put it in her purse, which made her scream, and then she laid back down on the bed because there was this awesome cartoon thing on, but it was more like claymation or something, and there were all these sweet monsters, and one of them was a corn-on-the-cob who was also a judge, and it was pretty much the coolest thing Sam has ever seen - she and Shanna have already researched it to see wtf it was, but they couldn’t find it, so if any of you know what I’m talking about (there was also a dragon with a talking fish head erupting from his chest), please let me know the name of it, because SOMEONE, who obviously lacks appreciation for the finer things in life, was rude enough to change the channel and was generally doing that thing where he wouldn’t shut the f up and then started doing that thing where he pretends that Sam isn’t in the room, which quickly escalated into doing that thing where he pretends, in general, that she doesn’t even exist, and then it was time to go, and Sam left her book there, and Bradley (on purpose) left Sam’s sweet black doll from McDonald’s there, too.

Then it was back in the truck for another 14 hour drive and Jeromy kept getting passed by a carful of old Republican Baptist pro-life women in a Toyota, because he was driving like an old Republican Baptist pro-life woman. Brad gave a sermon and said a prayer and then the boys had a philosophical discussion on the merits of different brands of bottled water, Jeromy only had to threaten to pull the truck over once, and Sara and Sam slept, and then they stopped in Bethany to eat again, at a place called Toot-Toot’s, which was pretty good but made so much better by dint of its very name, and then they were in Liberty so Sam knew where they were at.  By this time, the girls were pretty eager to get home - Sara’s fish was probably starving and Sam’s cats were probably very lonely and I think next time we should just take the fish and the cats with us; I’m sure Jeromy would agree to that.

Anyhow, I think the trip can be counted as a definite success, all in all.  Iowa was probably getting too uppity as it was, so it was good that they went there and showed it who was the fucking boss.  Now Iowa knows what it’s dealing with when Jeromy, Sam, Sara and Bradley cross the state-line, and I’m certain we left the state feeling blessed and slightly awe-struck and certainly impressed by our various sweet moves and drinking abilities.  Seeing as how we’re already a pretty big deal in Missouri, it was no surprise to see that we are a pretty big deal in Iowa, too.

KISSES!!!